I tried writing an Oscar predictions post like I did last year, but it came out bad and depressing. This is the only paragraph that was worth anything:

Best Actor. I wish to start this off by saying that I look forward to the Academy inevitably giving Gary Oldman a lifetime achievement award in an effort to apologize for overlooking his entire career and then nominating him for staring out of windows for two hours. Anyway. I guess it’s between Jean Dujardin and George Clooney? Is that correct? God, I know nothing. I think Jean Dujardin will and should win. I love him. I love his face, I love his smile, I love those epileptic caterpillars that live above his eyes. I’m also looking forward to the post-win photocall, because he is the kind of guy who will pose with that Oscar like a madman after he wins it. If he wins, I guarantee you two photos: 1. Dujardin kissing the Oscar. 2. Dujardin biting the Oscar. Mark my words, this will happen. Clooney would just hold down at his side like it’s an empty beer bottle and he’s waiting to wander past a trash can. 

Thank you, that is all.